Where Am I Going To?

Well, since nobody wanted to add to my discussion of things that make us cry when watching books or reading movies, I've decided to let that topic die and to write about the here and now. I'm currently at home - my real home, not at school - and I just came inside from taking some pictures. It is so beautiful outside! I love winter because I get to wear warm clothes and drink hot chocolate, but when spring starts to bloom, I forget all about barren winter and welcome the glorious new life that's thriving everywhere. I left the windows open yesterday as I mowed the lawn and let that delicious spring scent make its way inside. The pictures I took didn't turn out very well - for some reason they never do turn out well when I take a full frame shot instead of a close-up. I'll have to figure out why that is later on. Anyway - it is a beautiful day outside. I wish I could stay at home forever - well, maybe not. Turning my thoughts to my future always darkens my day. I wish I knew what my calling was - what is it that I want to do with my life? I have the less serious questions answered - like when I get my own place, I'm determined to make it the most beautiful home I can, with one room equipped with a projector and surround sound and a cozy chair to watch movies in - I love movies. I love seeing movies at theatres- the thrill as the lights dim and the sound system warms up, as your vision narrows to that large rectangle of light and you forget about all else. Anyway, my home will be colorful and cozy, and my yard will be neat and green. But I have no idea how to get to that step - for I'll need some sort of income to get there - and that means I have to get a job - a career more likely. I'm majoring in Biological Sciences, and yet I have no desire to research, no desire to write lengthy scientific papers, no desire to learn about boring ecological matters. I have no desire to be in control - to be the head of some medical practice - for humans, dogs, or even lady beetles. I don't want to be in the spotlight and I don't want to make decisions. I look at my school as a task, and an unsavory one at that. A mid-life crisis may be upon me - though I hope not, I am only 19 - for I think that I can't kid myself any longer - I don't think anything in biology is for me. I have one thing that really makes me happy and that I have a knack for, and that is making things beautiful. I love to cut grass - but only because I like the finished product. The neat lines, as close to parallel as possible; the smooth edges and trim borders - I make mowing the lawn an art form. I love my dorm room, for I have made it an oasis of color and drawings and symmetry. I am happiest in my room when I can clean and organize my things into some aesthetic display. I love decorating for birthdays - I have done so twice - on my own - at home. The last time was only a week ago. I worked from eleven to three in the morning, blowing up balloons, stringing streamers, and determining the best display of all, in order to turn our kitchen in to a festive atmosphere. And I enjoyed every minute of it. I love this blog - I love having an avenue to post my thoughts and hopes and fancies, but I love it even more for the freedom I have been given to make it my own. I can change this color, change this picture, change this background, all to make this blog pretty, at least in my eyes. Bottom line, I love making things pretty. I love restoring order and cleanliness to forgotten or neglected objects. But what can I do with this desire? Is it just going to be a hobby? Or can I find some career that would make full use this hobby? I've been told about Graphical Design (I'm not even sure if those are the correct words!) and that I could get into that. But how? When? Where? What can I do with it? If I knew how to work with html and the like - more so than now, even though I have gotten a mediocre knowledge of it from my blog - perhaps I could design websites. The idea does have appeal, but how do I get that knowledge? Where is the starting step? How long will it take? Have I waited to long already to start? I'm not a decisive person, and perhaps that is why the future scares me so much. So I'm going to do what I do best - besides procrastinating - I'm going to go clean the kitchen and scrub the floors - so they can all be beautiful.